Not every day I can write. Usually I can’t when I’m not okay. I fall into this creative hole that is deep enough for me not to be able to get out right away but still just deep enough where I can still see what it is I’m missing around me.
So I get these moments where I wake up and I can already feel it in my head. I know I have woken up ‘wrong’. My mind tries to define it. Tries to explain the feelings…because I just can’t just feel awful for no reason, right? So my mind thinks of everything wrong in my life to try and contribute it to the feeling. It’s deep and dark and it throws me headlong into a hole. I cannot function though the creative side of me yearns to express itself.
The rational side of me knows that as soon as I express myself creatively I’ll be okay. I’ll have a purpose. I’ll be happy. That’s when the guilt comes. The agonising guilt that knows I should be doing something but for whatever reason I can’t. Following closely after guilt comes the self deprecating language and the doubt. Now here is where things get dangerous for me. I go one of two ways. Almost like a choose your own adventure…
If Michael starts to spiral out of control, read here: I spiral sometimes if I don’t catch myself. I spiral and fall and cry and sob and scream and get angry and I either lash out or I disappear into my own deep, dark hole. Despair hits. And if I’m not careful, self harming follows. And if I haven’t sought help or gotten help or I’ve found something to pull me back up just an inch, I begin to plan. A terrible plan. A plan to end of my life. And at this point, I think of no others. I cannot. I’m so far gone that all I see is my hurt. I’ve been there. I’ve been behind the wheel in front of a cliff both literally and figuratively. I’ve stepped in front of a lot more than the proverbial bus. It wasn’t a great place and it scares me that I’m capable of getting there. It’s a place I now avoid to return to at all cost. I have enough strength in me to know that I’m not okay and to seek help. And that’s what I did…and that’s what I do…
If Michael seeks help, read here: Being in a creative hole isn’t fun. I have steps I must take in order to prevent myself from sinking further. First of all, I allow myself time to feel terrible. I go about my daily routine as much as I can do because I know it’s important. I don’t feel like it’s important, but I know it is. I shower. I dress. I eat. I drink water. I work at the level I’m capable of working and if not, I take a sick day. No one can afford a sick day, but it is INCREDIBLY important for mental health. I’m a functioning shell at this point and that’s okay. For awhile. If I go beyond a day or two then I know that it’s time for me to reach out for help. I’ll call my support network. For me right now it ranges between therapy and my partner and I will say to them that I’m finding it very hard to crawl out of the slump that I’m in by myself.
If I’m at the self-harming phase, I seek ice. That might sound weird to you, but it works for me. Instead of self-harming, I put some ice in a paper towel or I grab an ice pack and wrap it up and hold it against my wrists. It’s a quick way to trick my brain into thinking I’ve released the pressure and the emotions or that I have punished myself and then I seek help immediately, explaining what I did and why I did it.
If I’m at the suicide phase, I immediately add steps to my support group. I call a help line. I seek out my support group. I got my doctor and I make any immediate sessions I need with counselling if I can.
I needed to accept that I’d have days in a slump. It’s just the pattern my body and my mind are in. I will have my highs and it will even out and I’ll have many good days and then something might trigger me or I’ll just wake up and feel awful.
That’s okay. Some days I’ll need to close my eyes and just say, “Nope,” and ride it through to the next. Some days I’m riding alone. Other days I’m in the backseat and someone else is driving. But each drive is the same. Different start. Same steps. All starting from knowing myself, my cycles and travelling with it all through this journey I call my life.
Creative holes and all.